Love? Infatuation? Heartbreaks? Unrequited love? What's the difference anyways???
It chokes you. It swallows you whole. It’s like being thrown into the mad sea with your hands tied with a thick rope. The water forces its way into your lungs and you can no longer breathe. You try to catch a breath, you gasp for air, but it’s like your lungs no longer have any use for oxygen. You kick, you fight. But it’s only for a certain period of time. It drains your energy. Where does that leave you then?
It drives you to the brink of insanity. As time pass you won’t even bother fighting anymore. You let the heavy dark night surround you. You let it cloak your mind and eventually you stop feeling. And I am of the many people who are succumbing to that very non-feeling feeling. Do you get me? It’s okay if you don’t, nobody ever did.
People only knows how to go into your head with their mix messages, making you feel something that aren't there, giving you the wrong idea... Little do they know how much the little heart of mine take it...
Friday, 24 February 2012
Monday, 20 February 2012
James Morrison - The pieces don't fit anymore.*Thanks James for explaining it all for me..*
I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.
Chorus
Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It's the better thing to do,
It's time to surrender,
It's been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore, Pieces don't fit here anymore.
You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That's breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage that's done.
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.
(Chorus)
Ooh don't missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why.III dont know why...... whyyyyyy!!!
I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.
Chorus
Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It's the better thing to do,
It's time to surrender,
It's been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore, Pieces don't fit here anymore.
You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That's breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage that's done.
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.
(Chorus)
Ooh don't missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why.III dont know why...... whyyyyyy!!!
watch the video!!!
Sunday, 19 February 2012
I won't expect anyone to get me because I don't get myself....
I lose myself again after coming back to reality where my parents won't be behind me ever so ready to catch whenever I'm knock down. Yes, I am back in college with friends whom I am still doubting their trusts. Pardon me for being so insecure.
Well things have come to the extent lately where I only feel at ease when I sit in the middle of my friends with my thoughts disappearing somewhere else, away into the outside world. Places, that I used to visit now feel foreign to me. Whenever I'm surrounded by people, I get this itching feeling to run off somewhere quiet where I can withdraw myself from other people.
Creepy I know, but recently I enjoyed my own company more.
I no longer feel the need to strike a conversation with a random stranger. I am still as curious as ever but lately conversations with people seems pointless. I feel like the less I say, the better. And whenever someone start a conversation with me I won't feel reluctant to answer them curtly in hoping that the conversation would end. Things I used to enjoy has lost it’s appeal to me. Life only seems to be bearable after a few glasses of a certain intoxicating liquid. So many questions left unanswered. I used to be a vessel of sorrow and anger with joy trying to convert everything into something good. Joy lost. Hope lost. Faith lost. The raging waves are finally calm. I'm quite sure this wasn’t what I wanted. The haunted black sea. Who am I? Am I not Rachel?
When I feel sad,I am ever so grateful because although it’s sorrow,it’s good to know I am still human. Which means I can still feel emotions. I keep crossing dates off my calender. I'm just watching the days pass me by.
I lose myself again after coming back to reality where my parents won't be behind me ever so ready to catch whenever I'm knock down. Yes, I am back in college with friends whom I am still doubting their trusts. Pardon me for being so insecure.
Well things have come to the extent lately where I only feel at ease when I sit in the middle of my friends with my thoughts disappearing somewhere else, away into the outside world. Places, that I used to visit now feel foreign to me. Whenever I'm surrounded by people, I get this itching feeling to run off somewhere quiet where I can withdraw myself from other people.
Creepy I know, but recently I enjoyed my own company more.
I no longer feel the need to strike a conversation with a random stranger. I am still as curious as ever but lately conversations with people seems pointless. I feel like the less I say, the better. And whenever someone start a conversation with me I won't feel reluctant to answer them curtly in hoping that the conversation would end. Things I used to enjoy has lost it’s appeal to me. Life only seems to be bearable after a few glasses of a certain intoxicating liquid. So many questions left unanswered. I used to be a vessel of sorrow and anger with joy trying to convert everything into something good. Joy lost. Hope lost. Faith lost. The raging waves are finally calm. I'm quite sure this wasn’t what I wanted. The haunted black sea. Who am I? Am I not Rachel?
When I feel sad,I am ever so grateful because although it’s sorrow,it’s good to know I am still human. Which means I can still feel emotions. I keep crossing dates off my calender. I'm just watching the days pass me by.
Friday, 13 January 2012
Call me a Heartless Meanie
I guess no matter whose feelings I decide to take care of,no matter how long it takes me to make a decision I will always end up here. Sitting on my bed with depressing songs playing on iTunes,pouring everything out on my blog. My finger tips hitting the familiar squares with alphabets on them, making a soothing tick tack sound.When I think of other people,I almost always end up hurting them. How is that even possible? That you want the best for the person but somehow end up hurting them anyways? Ben,for instance. I will never forgive myself for doing what I did to him. Then when I decide to think of myself,I end up hurting myself. I never win,do I?
As the saying goes put yourself first... Im just trying to apply that. Is it wrong??
I guess no matter whose feelings I decide to take care of,no matter how long it takes me to make a decision I will always end up here. Sitting on my bed with depressing songs playing on iTunes,pouring everything out on my blog. My finger tips hitting the familiar squares with alphabets on them, making a soothing tick tack sound.When I think of other people,I almost always end up hurting them. How is that even possible? That you want the best for the person but somehow end up hurting them anyways? Ben,for instance. I will never forgive myself for doing what I did to him. Then when I decide to think of myself,I end up hurting myself. I never win,do I?
As the saying goes put yourself first... Im just trying to apply that. Is it wrong??
Can I call you sweetheart?
I have no idea what Im getting myself into. This is what I’ve always wanted. An unofficial official,no strings attached,no label type of relationship. Do I even get to call it a relationship? But now that I have what I thought I’ve wanted for so long I can’t seem to remember anymore why I longed for this. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. I always want the opposite of things that I have at that very moment. When will I learn? I guess I never will. This is starting to form a tiring cycle.
I have no idea what Im getting myself into. This is what I’ve always wanted. An unofficial official,no strings attached,no label type of relationship. Do I even get to call it a relationship? But now that I have what I thought I’ve wanted for so long I can’t seem to remember anymore why I longed for this. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. I always want the opposite of things that I have at that very moment. When will I learn? I guess I never will. This is starting to form a tiring cycle.
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
I AM LOST, I AM VAIN.
Have you ever felt so tangled up that it’s killing you inside and when you want to let it out you can’t find the words to begin explaining it to someone? So you decide not to tell anyone..
How is it possible that I feel so numb, sad, broken, lonely, and lost at such a young age? Why am I no longer care-free? Why is it that I have no idea what’s wrong with me? One minute I would be happy, thankful for what I have then the next I would just be a crying mess on my bedroom floor. How is it that before this I used to be a bubble of endless laughter and lately I find myself enjoying my own company more?
Why is that I no longer feel the need to go out and have fun? I know it’s a good thing but I just find it odd. Lately I would just rather stay in my room and let myself disappear into my thoughts. Why is it that I no longer understand myself? That the choices I make continuously surprise myself? Why is it that Im beginning to question myself? Why is it that I find myself slowly losing the drive to live? Am I losing myself?
My family... Aren't they suppose to be there for me? Why is it I always feel sad and broken all over again everytime I see my friends so happy spending times with their family. Spare me some thoughts please... You're losing your daughter... Do you not get that? She needs you!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?????
" Rachel, you’re no longer the person I used to know. "
" I know. "
" You’re so different now. "
" I know. "
" What happened to you? "
" Life. "
Have you ever felt so tangled up that it’s killing you inside and when you want to let it out you can’t find the words to begin explaining it to someone? So you decide not to tell anyone..
How is it possible that I feel so numb, sad, broken, lonely, and lost at such a young age? Why am I no longer care-free? Why is it that I have no idea what’s wrong with me? One minute I would be happy, thankful for what I have then the next I would just be a crying mess on my bedroom floor. How is it that before this I used to be a bubble of endless laughter and lately I find myself enjoying my own company more?
Why is that I no longer feel the need to go out and have fun? I know it’s a good thing but I just find it odd. Lately I would just rather stay in my room and let myself disappear into my thoughts. Why is it that I no longer understand myself? That the choices I make continuously surprise myself? Why is it that Im beginning to question myself? Why is it that I find myself slowly losing the drive to live? Am I losing myself?
My family... Aren't they suppose to be there for me? Why is it I always feel sad and broken all over again everytime I see my friends so happy spending times with their family. Spare me some thoughts please... You're losing your daughter... Do you not get that? She needs you!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?????
I CHANGED.. I NO LONGER KNOW MYSELF.
I feel sad because the people I love can’t seem to accept that I’ve changed. That I'm no longer the little girl they used to know who used to blow bubbles and crawl into their bed at 3 in the morning because I had a nightmare. The little girl who share every problem she had with her daddy and expect her "bigman" to fix it. I feel sad because I feel like nobody understands me anymore and all I need, really is someone to talk to but I can’t because there is no one around. And I am afraid that after listening to me pouring what is held in my chest, they would probably send me off to a hospital for depression or something.
Things are forever changing inside of me and I can’t keep up. I feel sad because things that used to make me feel complete and happy just aren’t adequate anymore. I feel sad because I feel like I'm slowly losing myself and I can’t do anything about it. It’s like I’m slowly watching myself die. And most of the time,I feel like I don’t make sense anymore.
I feel insignificant. Small. Tired. Exhausted. Numb. Not alive..
It’s like I'm dead inside and I'm waiting for something or someone to show up at my door to make me feel alive again but at the same time I know that nothing or no one is going to show up at my door to make me feel alive again.. NO ONE CAN DO THAT.. Too much had been done over the years. I lose the ones I loved forever.. Our family breaks apart.. The guilt of not inheriting what I am plan to do..
TOO MUCH...... If I could turn back time I'll fix it all bit by bit...
I feel sad because the people I love can’t seem to accept that I’ve changed. That I'm no longer the little girl they used to know who used to blow bubbles and crawl into their bed at 3 in the morning because I had a nightmare. The little girl who share every problem she had with her daddy and expect her "bigman" to fix it. I feel sad because I feel like nobody understands me anymore and all I need, really is someone to talk to but I can’t because there is no one around. And I am afraid that after listening to me pouring what is held in my chest, they would probably send me off to a hospital for depression or something.
Things are forever changing inside of me and I can’t keep up. I feel sad because things that used to make me feel complete and happy just aren’t adequate anymore. I feel sad because I feel like I'm slowly losing myself and I can’t do anything about it. It’s like I’m slowly watching myself die. And most of the time,I feel like I don’t make sense anymore.
I feel insignificant. Small. Tired. Exhausted. Numb. Not alive..
It’s like I'm dead inside and I'm waiting for something or someone to show up at my door to make me feel alive again but at the same time I know that nothing or no one is going to show up at my door to make me feel alive again.. NO ONE CAN DO THAT.. Too much had been done over the years. I lose the ones I loved forever.. Our family breaks apart.. The guilt of not inheriting what I am plan to do..
TOO MUCH...... If I could turn back time I'll fix it all bit by bit...
VAINPOT AND DISCONTENTED
What I would give to get my heartbeat racing again,or to feel some electrical shock running through my whole body when my fingertips come into contact with the fingertips of another person. I find it sad how I speak of love devoid of enthusiasm and emotion. Monotonous is the word,I think. There would be no difference in tone if I were to talk about love..
Has love lost it’s charm on me? I feel like the whole world is under its spell and I’m the only one excluded from everything. It’s like being in a room where everyone is high on some form of drug and I am the only one sober. Everyone,including myself would be staring at the wall and they would see ridiculous yet interesting figments of their imagination on the bare white wall whereas I would just be staring at a bare white wall. Is the spell fading? Because if it is,I would like to send an owl to Professor Snape and beg him to brew a love spell for me.
Only because this is getting awfully dull. No sparks,no racing heartbeats. No sweaty hands or butterflies in my stomach.. I wish my life was more exciting and better.
What I would give to get my heartbeat racing again,or to feel some electrical shock running through my whole body when my fingertips come into contact with the fingertips of another person. I find it sad how I speak of love devoid of enthusiasm and emotion. Monotonous is the word,I think. There would be no difference in tone if I were to talk about love..
Has love lost it’s charm on me? I feel like the whole world is under its spell and I’m the only one excluded from everything. It’s like being in a room where everyone is high on some form of drug and I am the only one sober. Everyone,including myself would be staring at the wall and they would see ridiculous yet interesting figments of their imagination on the bare white wall whereas I would just be staring at a bare white wall. Is the spell fading? Because if it is,I would like to send an owl to Professor Snape and beg him to brew a love spell for me.
Only because this is getting awfully dull. No sparks,no racing heartbeats. No sweaty hands or butterflies in my stomach.. I wish my life was more exciting and better.
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