I lose myself again after coming back to reality where my parents won't be behind me ever so ready to catch whenever I'm knock down. Yes, I am back in college with friends whom I am still doubting their trusts. Pardon me for being so insecure.
Well things have come to the extent lately where I only feel at ease when I sit in the middle of my friends with my thoughts disappearing somewhere else, away into the outside world. Places, that I used to visit now feel foreign to me. Whenever I'm surrounded by people, I get this itching feeling to run off somewhere quiet where I can withdraw myself from other people.
Creepy I know, but recently I enjoyed my own company more.
I no longer feel the need to strike a conversation with a random stranger. I am still as curious as ever but lately conversations with people seems pointless. I feel like the less I say, the better. And whenever someone start a conversation with me I won't feel reluctant to answer them curtly in hoping that the conversation would end. Things I used to enjoy has lost it’s appeal to me. Life only seems to be bearable after a few glasses of a certain intoxicating liquid. So many questions left unanswered. I used to be a vessel of sorrow and anger with joy trying to convert everything into something good. Joy lost. Hope lost. Faith lost. The raging waves are finally calm. I'm quite sure this wasn’t what I wanted. The haunted black sea. Who am I? Am I not Rachel?
When I feel sad,I am ever so grateful because although it’s sorrow,it’s good to know I am still human. Which means I can still feel emotions. I keep crossing dates off my calender. I'm just watching the days pass me by.
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