I AM LOST, I AM VAIN.

" Rachel, you’re no longer the person I used to know. "

" I know. "

" You’re so different now. "

" I know. "

" What happened to you? "

" Life. "

Have you ever felt so tangled up that it’s killing you inside and when you want to let it out you can’t find the words to begin explaining it to someone? So you decide not to tell anyone..

How is it possible that I feel so numb, sad, broken, lonely, and lost at such a young age? Why am I no longer care-free? Why is it that I have no idea what’s wrong with me? One minute I would be happy, thankful for what I have then the next I would just be a crying mess on my bedroom floor. How is it that before this I used to be a bubble of endless laughter and lately I find myself enjoying my own company more?

Why is that I no longer feel the need to go out and have fun? I know it’s a good thing but I just find it odd. Lately I would just rather stay in my room and let myself disappear into my thoughts. Why is it that I no longer understand myself? That the choices I make continuously surprise myself? Why is it that Im beginning to question myself? Why is it that I find myself slowly losing the drive to live? Am I losing myself?

My family... Aren't they suppose to be there for me? Why is it I always feel sad and broken all over again everytime I see my friends so happy spending times with their family. Spare me some thoughts please... You're losing your daughter... Do you not get that? She needs you!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT????? 

I CHANGED.. I NO LONGER KNOW MYSELF.
I feel sad because the people I love can’t seem to accept that I’ve changed. That I'm no longer the little girl they used to know who used to blow bubbles and crawl into their bed at 3 in the morning because I had a nightmare. The little girl who share every problem she had with her daddy and expect her "bigman" to fix it. I feel sad because I feel like nobody understands me anymore and all I need, really is someone to talk to but I can’t because there is no one around. And I am afraid that after listening to me pouring what is held in my chest, they would probably send me off to a hospital for depression or something.
Things are forever changing inside of me and I can’t keep up. I feel sad because things that used to make me feel complete and happy just aren’t adequate anymore. I feel sad because I feel like I'm slowly losing myself and I can’t do anything about it. It’s like I’m slowly watching myself die. And most of the time,I feel like I don’t make sense anymore.

I feel insignificant. Small. Tired. Exhausted. Numb. Not alive..

It’s like I'm dead inside and I'm waiting for something or someone to show up at my door to make me feel alive again but at the same time I know that nothing or no one is going to show up at my door to make me feel alive again.. NO ONE CAN DO THAT.. Too much had been done over the years. I lose the ones I loved forever.. Our family breaks apart.. The guilt of not inheriting what I am plan to do..

TOO MUCH...... If I could turn back time I'll fix it all bit by bit...

VAINPOT AND DISCONTENTED 

What I would give to get my heartbeat racing again,or to feel some electrical shock running through my whole body when my fingertips come into contact with the fingertips of another person. I find it sad how I speak of love devoid of enthusiasm and emotion. Monotonous is the word,I think. There would be no difference in tone if I were to talk about love..

Has love lost it’s charm on me? I feel like the whole world is under its spell and I’m the only one excluded from everything. It’s like being in a room where everyone is high on some form of drug and I am the only one sober. Everyone,including myself would be staring at the wall and they would see ridiculous yet interesting figments of their imagination on the bare white wall whereas I would just be staring at a bare white wall. Is the spell fading? Because if it is,I would like to send an owl to Professor Snape and beg him to brew a love spell for me.

Only because this is getting awfully dull. No sparks,no racing heartbeats. No sweaty hands or butterflies in my stomach.. I wish my life was more exciting and better.

spare me please

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down..

:katy perry hot 'n' cold.

Talk is cheap... 
... and gossip is even cheaper.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" must have had a hide of steel and a heart of stone. The recent turn of events has shown that the exact opposite could not be truer, shit indeed be everywhere.

Words, when simply thrown around, can bring down even the strongest person... as I've seen from one of my close friends whom I respect the most. Words, when simply thrown around, can also distort the truth into something hideous and poles apart from what it really is... as I've had the truly awesome opportunity to experience myself.

The new lesson for today: There's just no escaping gossip if fate has you in its cross hairs. Whether you're the Blair Waldorf of your community, or the extra in the background just passing through, you're at equal risk of having your shit hit the fan. And so it happens, it seems that this rash of gossip is the twisted gift that keeps on giving.

It's all so vicious. And out of control. So there's no point in me blogging about this, really. It's just sad when people choose to see the truth through the words of others, rather then through their own eyes.




Fuck trust. Fuck secrecy. Most of all, fuck gossip.

Absolute silence is the way to go. Always!!

confused, conflicted, "confuzzled"

How many times have we all wondered if someone liked us? Of course, there are those times when we wonder if a friend or someone we just met likes us, but I am talking about the BIG QUESTION here: Does the person I like, like me too? Does my crush have a crush on me too? Does he find me attractive? Am I good enough? Is there a chance for this crush to bloom into something else? Or am I like just a friend? Is he available? Does he like me? Or does he find me utter foolish after finding out I am into him? (Oh God imagine me asking this to a guy.
FUCK that'll just make me sound so desperate I could just bury myself right after)
The questions goes on and on in my head leaving me with all these tangled noodles silly desperate question which I can't seem to spit out.
Well wouldn't it be incredible if we could read minds? Think of the embarrassment we would be spared, not to mention the HEARTACHE that we might have to suffer with once we get the answer in which we wouldn't want to hear?
Oh REJECTION is my worst enemy. I never take it easily. :(

SO BE KIND TO MY VULNERABLE HEART AND LET ME KNOW.
DON'T LEAVE ME WONDERING, GUESSING, DOUBTING AND ASSUMING...
My thoughts can be very wild at times. So please don't make me think of it on my own.





spelling error on this shirt *cryptic*

I just don't belong anywhere in this world.
-here I am in the middle of the night in the dark blogging my heart out and expecting that some of the weight is lifted.
Do you ever wonder why I'm laughing with a group of friends one second but then two seconds later I have that distant look in my eyes starring into blank space, three seconds later I have no track of the conversation, four seconds later I wish I was anywhere else but there, five seconds later I am forcing the smile back on my face pretending I know what's going on.. when really I am too caught up with all the thoughts in my broken head.
Does anyone else ever feel this way? I feel so out of place most of time. I don't feel like I fit in everywhere I go. I am trying to break through this black solitude. It is slowly taking over my soul.. I don't know how much longer I can stand...

I trade my soul to the devil.

I want to feel the things like what the others feel but I'm deadened and numb instead. I can laugh or smile but it is intellectual, the muscle might contract to such movement but I feel nothing. I feel like I'm not here, it feels like I am floating around and a separate part of me isn't aware of what I am doing. Take it like I've left my body and now my soul is wandering around. I feel like I'm not really here. I'm distant far away... I FEEL LIKE A ROBOT manipulated by people around me!

to think you know what is love? think again... 
What is love? Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, is your voice caught within your chest? That isn’t love, that’s just lust. Are you proud and eager to show them off? That isn’t love, it’s pride. Do you want them because you know they’re there? That isn’t love, it’s loneliness. Are you there because it’s what everyone wants? That isn’t love, it’s loyalty. Are you there because they kissed you or held your hand? That isn’t love, it’s low self esteem. Do you stay for their confessions of love because you don’t want to hurt them? That isn’t love, it’s pity. Do you belong to them because when you see them your heart skips a beat? That isn’t love, it’s infatuation. Do you pardon their faults because you care about them? That isn’t love, it’s friendship. Do you tell them every day that they’re the only one you think of? That isn’t love, that’s a lie. Are you willing to give up your favorite things for their sake? That isn’t love, it’s charity. Does your heart break when they’re sad? That’s love. Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts? That’s love. Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close, and holds you there? That’s love. Do you accept their faults, because it’s part of who we are? That’s love. Are you attached to others but stay with your love, without regret? That’s love. Would you give them your heart, your life your death? Think about it for a second.

why does everyone keep leaving? 

Here I am again feeling all suicidal and sick of life.
Forcing laughter, faking smiles, pretending nothing is up.
I cannot help thinking why does everyone I love keep on leaving? Is that like a curse cast onto me or something?
I've had enough. Everyone has left.
Not even one person stayed. Urghhh whatever. No one cares anyway right?
I am just the unimportant out cast, yahh what i think and feel doesnt matter.
Well when i die.That shits on you.


Do you know what it feels like to be crying in the bathroom and then you have to put on a happy face when you get out?
Fuck everything!!!!