that moment when I am on my lappy and someone just won't mind their own business..
a little privacy please??? Or do I have to share everything with you? =.=ll

feeling like a walking zombie..

Recently, I found myself starring into space blankly.. And whenever my friends tap me in the shoulder asking if there is anything wrong. I would give them a quick respond with a shaking head, a "nothing" and a fake forcefully smile.
Meanwhile, inside there are millions and zillions of stuffs, issues and questions running through my mind that very second...

Not just that, I even notice that I am getting more vulgar and cold. At times when I talked it is as if I am almost a robot with zero emotion or feelings!!!

I know I may sound selfish but I just don't get it why some people's life is just so easy while I am always flat on the floor. Whenever I want to get back up there will always be something dragging me down or pushes me back down...

Now, I really feel so so so TIRED and I don't feel like giving a single struggle to get back up.
I am dried out of STRENGTH, FAITH AND HOPE..

The little blades within me..

Nothing is more terrifying than to find out your best friend not realizing how much they really mean to us..
But now I truly realize.. some people just don't want to compromise.. Sometimes some people get me wrong whether it is something I said or done...
Just because I am all sweet, loving and caring it doesn't mean I wanna be in a relation with you. It can also mean that you are my best friend and i love being with you and never want to lose the friendship we have for now..I thought you know that I am not like some other girls...
You should have been more wise.
I don't want to risk the friendship we are having because I really do cherish it.. Do you not get it?
Being in a relationship is always tiring and heart aching in every ways.
That's exactly why I am avoiding it..
Uhhh and to be in a relationship with a best friend is a definite NO NO NO.. I wouldn't want us to be strangers in the future just because we argue over a small stuff.
''LOVE RELATIONSHIPS NEVER ENDS WITH FRIENDSHIPS''
ps: Please get what I am trying to say..

fatigue.. hopeless.

Lord in my moment of pain and fatigue I look up to you just for one thing. 
Send me someone to lean on because this girl is so tired and it is about time I end the charade. I can't pretend that everything is alright anymore when inside I am shattering into pieces.
So please Lord just send me someone warm enough for me to lean on..
Someone who will listen to my cries and complains when I pour my hearts out.
Someone who will hold their arms around me as I lean my head on their shoulder.
Someone who will be convincing me that everything will be alright. (even if it is not likely to happen)
Someone who will wipe my tears but never tell me to stop crying.

Someone Lord just someone... :((

I AM SO TIRED LORD OF THE GAMES IN THIS WORLD.. 

Oh hey it's me again!
The old me is slowly finding it's way back into me...
Day by day as time pass by..
..I had forgotten to smile..I had forgotten to be cheerful
..I had forgotten to take things as it is and not look on the bad side
..I had forgotten to feel what I am suppose to feel..I had forgotten to listen to myself(It was too noisy to hear my own voice)

It was too difficult to be my own

Was difficult to be normal

Was difficult to be natural

Was difficult to being human

Was difficult being ME..

Because they told me i will be selfish to do so

So here I am again that one part in me is slowly fading away

Wanting nothing more to live

Barely have the reason to be smiling along with the life

Forget what it is like being myself.

MOST OF ALL I forget how to feel accepted by myself..

To chase or not to chase?

That has always been a big issue that I have in myself...
When I got confidence, the stage was gone.

When I feared losing, it was I who won.

When I needed people the most, they left me all alone.

When I learnt to dry my tears, I found a shoulder to cry on.

Life was never the way I wanted it to be.
But it was always better when I left chasing the best.
I learnt it from my experience that till the time you chase the things you love,
they run away from you.
And when you start running away, they start chasing you.

IN THE END It all depends on you, which side you were to select!

I am still in the midst of either two... 

It is killing me.. it hurts so bad..

Have you ever felt that mad rush inside of you when someone/something is harassing you but there is nothing you can do? The main reason why it is so is because you are terrified that it will be worse. Sometimes, I really wish my relationship with my parents are super close, as in where I can share anything with them and keep my integrity. But, there are some stuffs that I just don't know how am I suppose to share with them. I know I can't fix most of the stuff on my own, I always will need them....
The fire in me is sparking up and I am almost on the verge to the breaking point. I despise myself for it.. Every morning I just hope that everything was just a nightmare. It is just too terrible to be real. :(
I am tired, it's been too much sleepless night, I don't know how much longer I can survive just 2 to 3 hours of sleep with a frequent sudden waking up in between. I am amused that I can stand up everyday and facing everyone pretending everything is alright when inside I am crying out loud!!!!
That part of me really want to let them know my issues but I am trying my best to not bring up any trouble. I am way past those days where I am nothing but a troublemaker.
WAKE ME UP FROM THIS FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!