in the end words doesn't matter...
I guess it’s part of life, you know. Being young, naive. It’s funny though. But then again, that feeling that she gave me, it was indescribable. Anyways long story short, I finally got the courage and talked to her, made her my girl. It was perfect and nothing, I mean nothing was getting in between us. Days goes by with daily late night phone calls, no sleep(most of times I'm the one with no sleep for I am in a different zone.
So yes... all these lovesick stuff contribute to dropping grades.
Either than that frequent thought of getting her gifts, random snapping of pictures to show her, getting texts, anything… you name it. We did it. Memories, we had a box full. It’s funny, we would joke around about how many kids we would have, where we would live, or even getting married. Looking back at it, it was kinda dumb. But I believed with all my heart that she would be the one I’d be with forever.
Until the fights started happening.
Little by little, we started to fade.
Then all of a sudden it just ended.
You know, I didn’t just lose my girlfriend… I lost my best friend. And I don’t know what hurts more.
That we don’t speak, or when we speak it is not the same.
My home where every spots remind me of her.
When it comes to summer holidays the thought of planning a trip with her and the other hooligans.. 
I guess I knew the risk of falling for your friend which my friends and she tried to tell me…But.... you never think that you’re gonna break up with them, you know? You think it’s always gonna be you and her, him and you.
Sometimes I just wanna tell you that I miss you. Sometimes I just wanna hug you, I wanna kiss you. Or even just have a conversation, see how you’re doing. Do you still think of me? Do you remember our first kiss? Do your remember, how you were looking at me with those reckless eyes(btw she has huge pretty eyes)? And you told me you loved me for the first time. Because I remember yours.
How could I forget? And I just want you to know that I still think about you, from time to time.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, you never forget your first love. Well you girl was my first. 


*cropped this out of Ben's blog... I just have the urge to post it up.. It's so sweet...*

Love? Infatuation? Heartbreaks? Unrequited love? What's the difference anyways???

It chokes you. It swallows you whole. It’s like being thrown into the mad sea with your hands tied with a thick rope. The water forces its way into your lungs and you can no longer breathe. You try to catch a breath, you gasp for air, but it’s like your lungs no longer have any use for oxygen. You kick, you fight. But it’s only for a certain period of time. It drains your energy. Where does that leave you then?

It drives you to the brink of insanity. As time pass you won’t even bother fighting anymore. You let the heavy dark night surround you. You let it cloak your mind and eventually you stop feeling. And I am of the many people who are succumbing to that very non-feeling feeling. Do you get me? It’s okay if you don’t, nobody ever did.

People only knows how to go into your head with their mix messages, making you feel something that aren't there, giving you the wrong idea... Little do they know how much the little heart of mine take it... 

James Morrison - The pieces don't fit anymore.*Thanks James for explaining it all for me..*

I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.

Chorus
Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It's the better thing to do,
It's time to surrender,
It's been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore, Pieces don't fit here anymore.

You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That's breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage that's done. 
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.

(Chorus)

Ooh don't missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why.III dont know why...... whyyyyyy!!!

watch the video!!!

I won't expect anyone to get me because I don't get myself.... 
I lose myself again after coming back to reality where my parents won't be behind me ever so ready to catch whenever I'm knock down. Yes, I am back in college with friends whom I am still doubting their trusts. Pardon me for being so insecure.
Well things have come to the extent lately where I only feel at ease when I sit in the middle of my friends with my thoughts disappearing somewhere else, away into the outside world. Places, that I used to visit now feel foreign to me. Whenever I'm surrounded by people, I get this itching feeling to run off somewhere quiet where I can withdraw myself from other people.
Creepy I know, but recently I enjoyed my own company more.

I no longer feel the need to strike a conversation with a random stranger. I am still as curious as ever but lately conversations with people seems pointless. I feel like the less I say, the better. And whenever someone start a conversation with me I won't feel reluctant to answer them curtly in hoping that the conversation would end. Things I used to enjoy has lost it’s appeal to me. Life only seems to be bearable after a few glasses of a certain intoxicating liquid. So many questions left unanswered. I used to be a vessel of sorrow and anger with joy trying to convert everything into something good. Joy lost. Hope lost. Faith lost. The raging waves are finally calm. I'm quite sure this wasn’t what I wanted. The haunted black sea. Who am I? Am I not Rachel?

When I feel sad,I am ever so grateful because although it’s sorrow,it’s good to know I am still human. Which means I can still feel emotions. I keep crossing dates off my calender. I'm just watching the days pass me by.