Skeptical is my middle name I guess??


I'm realizing more and more that I'm seriously effed up when it comes to relationships. I'm probably not as bad as I think I am, or at least I hope that's the case.

I recently decided that I was going to be more open to what the universe was bringing my way. Whatever I've been doing, or not doing, as the case may be, isn't getting me anywhere. I've been told that I have a wall up when it comes to guys and the more I think about it, I believe that may be right. Whenever I get the vibe that someone is interested in me, I can actually feel myself start shutting them down. It's a defense mechanism. I'm protecting myself before I even have a chance to get hurt.

I think the loneliness, lack of having someone to share those special moments with and the fear of never being loved has finally collided enough for me to open my heart to the possibility of dating someone. Thus this contributes to such thought like "What's this wacky universe have in store for me" way of thinking.

Chuck you are so darn right!!!!!

Right when I decided to take my own path and explore a different kind of crowd that is a university of my own choice starting from scratch without having to seek my “bigman’s” help to get what I want.
FYI my bigman is my Daddy.. He has been reminding me constantly everyday to get along with people and to take good care of myself telling me that the people I am dealing with are different, and they don’t know me.
Telling me to tolerate with people? Really?
Well why don’t you teach me that when I was younger dad?
It is beyond my control now to tolerate with people… And yes these people are different they care little and they get what they want.. You get offended or hurt is none of their business.
Yes before these I have always been around rich brats. Uhhhhhh I thought they are the stuck up ones for being snobby but these opposite society are worst.
They will eat you up and skin you alive.

They are arrogant even when they don’t have the looks nor the money.
Oh God I was so wrong to think these society would accept me.
I’m pretty much deadmeat..
But who cares I’ve come this far I’ll just go for it… What’s life without challenges??

JUST HOLD ON THERE RACHEL YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!

Deep into reality
So, I was assign to go to Tawau, Sabah and no I am not from Sabah I am Sarawakian…
Yeahhhh… It was bittersweet at first. Part of me cannot wait to go there and have fun gaining new experience from the placement and also to visit a new place.. Little did I know that it was way way way way way below my expectations…
I arrived here in Tawau around 10pm.. My cousin pick me up from the airport then she asked me whether I want to stay over at her place first since my placement won’t be starting not until the following week.

Well, you can slap me because I told her no. I said I wanted to go to my own place which we rented and by then Edwin as well as Tze Hua was there. To be honest I think I was so curious to see the house which the 2 lunatics said was “good”

A huge disappoinment!! The house was nothing like what they said over the phone!!!!
Yahhhh I hated them for putting false view of the house to me.
Nothing much left to do it was already late so I decided to stay over a night and flee to my cousin’s place the next day.

I am so ever grateful that I have my cousin here in Tawau. I love bein at her place along with 2 cute nieces rather naughty and wild but what the heck kids will be kids…hmmm well I was pretty mean for ditching the 2 while I am enjoying my cousin’s place.
Well, actually I wouldn’t call it ditching because daddy was not really alright with the thought of me staying at the house with 2 guys for a week.

I ABHOR LIARS

Recently, I fought with a best friend…
Yeah I just know her for a year or so.. Was a mistake to trust her.
She was always in trouble and I was always the one helping her out with lies which she made me tell her parents to cover up for her.. I hate the idea of having to lie to her parents. But to save her butt I have no choice.

Last month, I just couldn’t take it anymore it was too much and she treated me nothing like her best friend.. She skipped class before this she would tell me but not now. Oh yeahh the lecturers knew I was her best pal do they come after me about her. I have zero clue where she was or what she was up to..
Day by day, she had been missing a week class I asked her what happen she never replied. So one day, I decide to just leave it all behind and not care anymore.
YES I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HER ANYMORE.
Doesn’t concern me if she was hurt or anything I just pretend she is invisible and to never know her.
Harsh??
Well, I used to care but she abused my friendship…
She deserves that.
I was hurt too….

the "simply" me.

I pretty much gets upset over the little things that doesn't goes the way I hoped or wanted it to be. I get jealous easily simply because what's mine is mine and I'm the one who decide whether to share or simply own it to myself.
I'm stubborn as hell, I may be agreeing with you but actually I still am against you. I act like I don't give a flying damn shit because really I care too much.
I over analyse some people then comes off as a total bitch simply to guard myself.

WHAT A FUCK!

LOST MYSELF


lost a great soul and a guide, the journey to endure sure isnt easy, i took the steps myself and with myself and only, myself.

in the end words doesn't matter...
I guess it’s part of life, you know. Being young, naive. It’s funny though. But then again, that feeling that she gave me, it was indescribable. Anyways long story short, I finally got the courage and talked to her, made her my girl. It was perfect and nothing, I mean nothing was getting in between us. Days goes by with daily late night phone calls, no sleep(most of times I'm the one with no sleep for I am in a different zone.
So yes... all these lovesick stuff contribute to dropping grades.
Either than that frequent thought of getting her gifts, random snapping of pictures to show her, getting texts, anything… you name it. We did it. Memories, we had a box full. It’s funny, we would joke around about how many kids we would have, where we would live, or even getting married. Looking back at it, it was kinda dumb. But I believed with all my heart that she would be the one I’d be with forever.
Until the fights started happening.
Little by little, we started to fade.
Then all of a sudden it just ended.
You know, I didn’t just lose my girlfriend… I lost my best friend. And I don’t know what hurts more.
That we don’t speak, or when we speak it is not the same.
My home where every spots remind me of her.
When it comes to summer holidays the thought of planning a trip with her and the other hooligans.. 
I guess I knew the risk of falling for your friend which my friends and she tried to tell me…But.... you never think that you’re gonna break up with them, you know? You think it’s always gonna be you and her, him and you.
Sometimes I just wanna tell you that I miss you. Sometimes I just wanna hug you, I wanna kiss you. Or even just have a conversation, see how you’re doing. Do you still think of me? Do you remember our first kiss? Do your remember, how you were looking at me with those reckless eyes(btw she has huge pretty eyes)? And you told me you loved me for the first time. Because I remember yours.
How could I forget? And I just want you to know that I still think about you, from time to time.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, you never forget your first love. Well you girl was my first. 


*cropped this out of Ben's blog... I just have the urge to post it up.. It's so sweet...*

Love? Infatuation? Heartbreaks? Unrequited love? What's the difference anyways???

It chokes you. It swallows you whole. It’s like being thrown into the mad sea with your hands tied with a thick rope. The water forces its way into your lungs and you can no longer breathe. You try to catch a breath, you gasp for air, but it’s like your lungs no longer have any use for oxygen. You kick, you fight. But it’s only for a certain period of time. It drains your energy. Where does that leave you then?

It drives you to the brink of insanity. As time pass you won’t even bother fighting anymore. You let the heavy dark night surround you. You let it cloak your mind and eventually you stop feeling. And I am of the many people who are succumbing to that very non-feeling feeling. Do you get me? It’s okay if you don’t, nobody ever did.

People only knows how to go into your head with their mix messages, making you feel something that aren't there, giving you the wrong idea... Little do they know how much the little heart of mine take it... 

James Morrison - The pieces don't fit anymore.*Thanks James for explaining it all for me..*

I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.

Chorus
Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It's the better thing to do,
It's time to surrender,
It's been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore, Pieces don't fit here anymore.

You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That's breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage that's done. 
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.

(Chorus)

Ooh don't missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why.III dont know why...... whyyyyyy!!!

watch the video!!!

I won't expect anyone to get me because I don't get myself.... 
I lose myself again after coming back to reality where my parents won't be behind me ever so ready to catch whenever I'm knock down. Yes, I am back in college with friends whom I am still doubting their trusts. Pardon me for being so insecure.
Well things have come to the extent lately where I only feel at ease when I sit in the middle of my friends with my thoughts disappearing somewhere else, away into the outside world. Places, that I used to visit now feel foreign to me. Whenever I'm surrounded by people, I get this itching feeling to run off somewhere quiet where I can withdraw myself from other people.
Creepy I know, but recently I enjoyed my own company more.

I no longer feel the need to strike a conversation with a random stranger. I am still as curious as ever but lately conversations with people seems pointless. I feel like the less I say, the better. And whenever someone start a conversation with me I won't feel reluctant to answer them curtly in hoping that the conversation would end. Things I used to enjoy has lost it’s appeal to me. Life only seems to be bearable after a few glasses of a certain intoxicating liquid. So many questions left unanswered. I used to be a vessel of sorrow and anger with joy trying to convert everything into something good. Joy lost. Hope lost. Faith lost. The raging waves are finally calm. I'm quite sure this wasn’t what I wanted. The haunted black sea. Who am I? Am I not Rachel?

When I feel sad,I am ever so grateful because although it’s sorrow,it’s good to know I am still human. Which means I can still feel emotions. I keep crossing dates off my calender. I'm just watching the days pass me by.

Call me a Heartless Meanie
I guess no matter whose feelings I decide to take care of,no matter how long it takes me to make a decision I will always end up here. Sitting on my bed with depressing songs playing on iTunes,pouring everything out on my blog. My finger tips hitting the familiar squares with alphabets on them, making a soothing tick tack sound.When I think of other people,I almost always end up hurting them. How is that even possible? That you want the best for the person but somehow end up hurting them anyways? Ben,for instance. I will never forgive myself for doing what I did to him. Then when I decide to think of myself,I end up hurting myself. I never win,do I?
As the saying goes put yourself first... Im just trying to apply that. Is it wrong?? 

Can I call you sweetheart?
I have no idea what Im getting myself into. This is what I’ve always wanted. An unofficial official,no strings attached,no label type of relationship. Do I even get to call it a relationship? But now that I have what I thought I’ve wanted for so long I can’t seem to remember anymore why I longed for this. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. I always want the opposite of things that I have at that very moment. When will I learn? I guess I never will. This is starting to form a tiring cycle.