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I leave it blank because I don't have any reason why one should and could love me.
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
I AM LOST, I AM VAIN.
Have you ever felt so tangled up that it’s killing you inside and when you want to let it out you can’t find the words to begin explaining it to someone? So you decide not to tell anyone..
How is it possible that I feel so numb, sad, broken, lonely, and lost at such a young age? Why am I no longer care-free? Why is it that I have no idea what’s wrong with me? One minute I would be happy, thankful for what I have then the next I would just be a crying mess on my bedroom floor. How is it that before this I used to be a bubble of endless laughter and lately I find myself enjoying my own company more?
Why is that I no longer feel the need to go out and have fun? I know it’s a good thing but I just find it odd. Lately I would just rather stay in my room and let myself disappear into my thoughts. Why is it that I no longer understand myself? That the choices I make continuously surprise myself? Why is it that Im beginning to question myself? Why is it that I find myself slowly losing the drive to live? Am I losing myself?
My family... Aren't they suppose to be there for me? Why is it I always feel sad and broken all over again everytime I see my friends so happy spending times with their family. Spare me some thoughts please... You're losing your daughter... Do you not get that? She needs you!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?????
" Rachel, you’re no longer the person I used to know. "
" I know. "
" You’re so different now. "
" I know. "
" What happened to you? "
" Life. "
Have you ever felt so tangled up that it’s killing you inside and when you want to let it out you can’t find the words to begin explaining it to someone? So you decide not to tell anyone..
How is it possible that I feel so numb, sad, broken, lonely, and lost at such a young age? Why am I no longer care-free? Why is it that I have no idea what’s wrong with me? One minute I would be happy, thankful for what I have then the next I would just be a crying mess on my bedroom floor. How is it that before this I used to be a bubble of endless laughter and lately I find myself enjoying my own company more?
Why is that I no longer feel the need to go out and have fun? I know it’s a good thing but I just find it odd. Lately I would just rather stay in my room and let myself disappear into my thoughts. Why is it that I no longer understand myself? That the choices I make continuously surprise myself? Why is it that Im beginning to question myself? Why is it that I find myself slowly losing the drive to live? Am I losing myself?
My family... Aren't they suppose to be there for me? Why is it I always feel sad and broken all over again everytime I see my friends so happy spending times with their family. Spare me some thoughts please... You're losing your daughter... Do you not get that? She needs you!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?????
I CHANGED.. I NO LONGER KNOW MYSELF.
I feel sad because the people I love can’t seem to accept that I’ve changed. That I'm no longer the little girl they used to know who used to blow bubbles and crawl into their bed at 3 in the morning because I had a nightmare. The little girl who share every problem she had with her daddy and expect her "bigman" to fix it. I feel sad because I feel like nobody understands me anymore and all I need, really is someone to talk to but I can’t because there is no one around. And I am afraid that after listening to me pouring what is held in my chest, they would probably send me off to a hospital for depression or something.
Things are forever changing inside of me and I can’t keep up. I feel sad because things that used to make me feel complete and happy just aren’t adequate anymore. I feel sad because I feel like I'm slowly losing myself and I can’t do anything about it. It’s like I’m slowly watching myself die. And most of the time,I feel like I don’t make sense anymore.
I feel insignificant. Small. Tired. Exhausted. Numb. Not alive..
It’s like I'm dead inside and I'm waiting for something or someone to show up at my door to make me feel alive again but at the same time I know that nothing or no one is going to show up at my door to make me feel alive again.. NO ONE CAN DO THAT.. Too much had been done over the years. I lose the ones I loved forever.. Our family breaks apart.. The guilt of not inheriting what I am plan to do..
TOO MUCH...... If I could turn back time I'll fix it all bit by bit...
I feel sad because the people I love can’t seem to accept that I’ve changed. That I'm no longer the little girl they used to know who used to blow bubbles and crawl into their bed at 3 in the morning because I had a nightmare. The little girl who share every problem she had with her daddy and expect her "bigman" to fix it. I feel sad because I feel like nobody understands me anymore and all I need, really is someone to talk to but I can’t because there is no one around. And I am afraid that after listening to me pouring what is held in my chest, they would probably send me off to a hospital for depression or something.
Things are forever changing inside of me and I can’t keep up. I feel sad because things that used to make me feel complete and happy just aren’t adequate anymore. I feel sad because I feel like I'm slowly losing myself and I can’t do anything about it. It’s like I’m slowly watching myself die. And most of the time,I feel like I don’t make sense anymore.
I feel insignificant. Small. Tired. Exhausted. Numb. Not alive..
It’s like I'm dead inside and I'm waiting for something or someone to show up at my door to make me feel alive again but at the same time I know that nothing or no one is going to show up at my door to make me feel alive again.. NO ONE CAN DO THAT.. Too much had been done over the years. I lose the ones I loved forever.. Our family breaks apart.. The guilt of not inheriting what I am plan to do..
TOO MUCH...... If I could turn back time I'll fix it all bit by bit...
VAINPOT AND DISCONTENTED
What I would give to get my heartbeat racing again,or to feel some electrical shock running through my whole body when my fingertips come into contact with the fingertips of another person. I find it sad how I speak of love devoid of enthusiasm and emotion. Monotonous is the word,I think. There would be no difference in tone if I were to talk about love..
Has love lost it’s charm on me? I feel like the whole world is under its spell and I’m the only one excluded from everything. It’s like being in a room where everyone is high on some form of drug and I am the only one sober. Everyone,including myself would be staring at the wall and they would see ridiculous yet interesting figments of their imagination on the bare white wall whereas I would just be staring at a bare white wall. Is the spell fading? Because if it is,I would like to send an owl to Professor Snape and beg him to brew a love spell for me.
Only because this is getting awfully dull. No sparks,no racing heartbeats. No sweaty hands or butterflies in my stomach.. I wish my life was more exciting and better.
What I would give to get my heartbeat racing again,or to feel some electrical shock running through my whole body when my fingertips come into contact with the fingertips of another person. I find it sad how I speak of love devoid of enthusiasm and emotion. Monotonous is the word,I think. There would be no difference in tone if I were to talk about love..
Has love lost it’s charm on me? I feel like the whole world is under its spell and I’m the only one excluded from everything. It’s like being in a room where everyone is high on some form of drug and I am the only one sober. Everyone,including myself would be staring at the wall and they would see ridiculous yet interesting figments of their imagination on the bare white wall whereas I would just be staring at a bare white wall. Is the spell fading? Because if it is,I would like to send an owl to Professor Snape and beg him to brew a love spell for me.
Only because this is getting awfully dull. No sparks,no racing heartbeats. No sweaty hands or butterflies in my stomach.. I wish my life was more exciting and better.
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